he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
