i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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