I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
