my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
