I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
