i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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