its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
