When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
