Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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