If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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