i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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