you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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