i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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