im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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