the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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