I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
