so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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