Someone shit on the floor
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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