It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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