last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
you inspire me to be a worse person
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
