before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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