I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I need a beard to bite.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
