Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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