I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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