Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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