My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
