i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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