I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
