tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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