Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
