I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
