If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
