There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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