I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
