I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
