its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
