I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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