Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
