you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
