so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
