I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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