i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
