Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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