omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
