This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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