yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
