It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
