I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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