i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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