Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
